Funny Junk and Stuff

Beer Troubleshooting Chart

Raheem — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 03:50:31 +0000

SYMPTOM…FAULT…ACTION

Feet cold and wet.
Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Feet warm and wet.
Improper bladder control.
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Drinking Buddies

Raheem — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 03:46:24 +0000

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend. And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend’s illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. Shawn, said Pat, can you hear me� Faintly, Shawn replied, Yes, Paddy, I can. Bashfully, Pat started, Do you remember our pact, Shawn? Yes, I do Patty, Shawn strained. And, you’ll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now? said Pat. Yes Patty, I do, whispered Shawn. ”It’s a very old bottle now, you know,� urged Pat. And what are you gettin’ at Pat? asked Shawn, briskly. Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?

Arthritis

Raheem — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 03:44:58 +0000

McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan.
“Inebriated again!” declared the priest. “Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life?”
“Father,” asked McCuen. “What causes arthritis?”
“I’ll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women.
How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t,” slurred McCuen. “The Bishop has it!”

Official Drinking Test

Raheem — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 03:43:49 +0000

This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.

1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she:
(a) the most beautiful woman alive;
(b) a beautiful woman;
(c) attractive;
(d) ugly as sin.

Wine with a Fly

Raheem — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 03:42:17 +0000

A dinner party of different nationalities had arrived at a restaurant. They each ordered a glass of wine, but when the wine arrived they noticed that each of the glasses had a fly in it.

* The Swede demanded to have new wine in the same glass.

* The Englishman demanded to have new wine in a new glass.

* The Finn picked the fly out of the wine and drank the wine.

Funny Blonde Passenger

Raheem — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 10:16:11 +0000

A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class. The blond says, “I’m blond, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to California.” The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move. The blond says, “I’m blond, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to California.”

The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class. The attendants are flabbergasted, “What did you say to her?” “I just told her that this section of the plane doesn’t go to California.”

One Wish

Raheem — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 03:41:45 +0000

Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!”

My Two Brothers

Raheem — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 03:41:06 +0000

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “what’ll you have?”
The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”

Live Long

Raheem — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 03:39:46 +0000

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, having left the pub a wee bit late one night, found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “it’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87. Good blood, those O’Gradys!”

“That’s nothing,” says Sean. “Here’s one named Patrick O’Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died. Aye, those O’Tooles are a hardy bunch, they are!”

Smart Dog

Raheem — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 03:38:42 +0000

Tim O’Rourke was walking his Irish Setter in the country side. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back.

Tim then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake. The dog went down to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back.