Drinking Politics

A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, “You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached.”

The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. “Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!”

“Listen, I’m the customer, so I’m always right.” the man says. “That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down.”

“That tears it,” the bartender says, “How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?”

“Well, you’d be the customer, so you’d be right,” the man says.

“Fine, then let’s switch places,” the bartender says.

So, they do. The man takes the bartender’s place behind the bar, and the bartender walks outside, waits a moment, and then comes back inside. The bartender sits at the bar and says to the bar, “You should take that pin off. The Democrats are destroying our country with their liberal agenda.”

“Sorry,” the man says, “but we don’t serve Republicans here.”

First Offense

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.
“Now don’t let me ever see your face again,” said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
“I’m afraid I can’t promise that, sir,” said the released man.
“And why not?”
“Because I’m the barman at your regular pub!”

Business Trips

A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, “What trip?”

Funny Water Bloopers and Accidents

Staggering Drunk

Paddy staggered home very late and very drunk. He took off his shoes to avoid waking the wife. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his backside. A Guinness bottle in a back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to scream out loud, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see what damage he’d done.

Bleeding from several cuts, he somehow managed to find a first aid kit and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and stumbled his way into bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and bottom and his wife staring daggers at him from across the room.

She says, “So, you were staggering drunk last night Paddy, weren’t you now?

Says Paddy, “Now why would you say such a thing?”

“Well,” she says, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly……. it’s all the Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.”

The Guessing Game

One day Bobby heard his parents talking in the living room, and went out to see what was going on. They were playing the Guessing Game, so he decided to listen
“Ive got something big, round, and red in my hand,” said Mom, so Dad shouted, ” APPLE!”
“Nope, thats not it… it was a tomatoe”
Now it was Dads turn, so he thought REALLY hard. “Ive got something long and yellow in MY hand honey,” he said aloud.
“BANANA!” shouted mom, but she was wrong.
“Sorry, it was a squash”
The next day Bobby went to school and told all his friends about this new Guessing Game. At the end of class he even told his teacher.
“Well, lemme try,” she said, so Bobby thought REALLY hard. He reached down in his pants and searched for a very long time. “AHA, Ive got it! Theres somethin hard and slick in my hand…and it EVEN has a head!”
The teacher was furious so she said ” Bobby go to the office NOW!”
Bobby was shocked at this, so he pulled out his hand and said ” Look, all I have is a quarter…”

BAD DAY AT THE OFFICE

Temperance Lecture

Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland’s top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.

The speaker said quietly to the audience, “Now my friends, what does this tell us?”

Jock piped up, “If you drink whisky you’ll not be bothered by worms!”