Genie Wine

While he was rooting around in the basement, a man found a magic lamp. When he rubbed it, a genie emerged in a huge cloud of pink smoke.

“I am the all-powerful genie. I shall grant you one wish.” The man thought about this, and decided that if there was one thing he couldn’t get enough of, it was wine.

“I wish I could pee wine. That’s my wish.”

“Granted.” And the genie disappeared. Later that day, the man’s wife came home to find her husband naked, holding a glass.

“Why only one glass?” asked her wife.

“You’re drinking out of the bottle tonight.”

Blind Dinner

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I’m sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I’ll smell it and order from there.” A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty pile and picks up a greasy fork. he returns to the blind man,s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

“Ah, yes, that’s what I,ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. “Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.” “I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.” The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great, I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.” Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see’s him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.” Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. “Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.” The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, “Hey, I didn’t know that Mary worked here?”

Bags And Bitches

Little Johnny and his father were walking down the street one day, and two ladies bumped into one another in front of them.
The one lady looked at the other and slapped her across the face. “You bitch,” yelled the one lady.
Stunned, the lady that was slapped yelled out, “You bag.”
Little Johnny, never heard those words before, turns to his dad. “Dad, what are bags and bitches?”
“Oh, that’s just another name for women,” replied his dad.
“Oh, okay,” said Johnny.
The two make it home and Little Johnny follows his dad up to the washroom to watch his daddy shave.
While shaving, Little Johnny’s dad cuts himself. “Oh shit,” he said.
“Daddy, what’s shit?” asked Little Johnny.
“Oh, that’s just another name for shaving your self,” replied his father.
Bored, Little Johnny wanders downstairs to find his mother cooking a turkey. As his mother reached into the oven, she burnt her hand. “Fuck!” she yells.
“Mom, what’s fuck?” questionned Johnny.
“That’s just another word for cooking the turkey.”
“Oh, I get it,” said Johnny.
All of a sudden, the doorbell rings. “I’ll get it!” yells Johnny as he runs to the door. He then opened the door to find a group of old ladies standing outside.
“Hello young man. Are you parents home?” asked the front lady.
“Hello bags and bitches. My dad’s upstairs shitting himself and my mom’s downstairs fucking the turkey.”

Limmericks 1

There once was a lad named Kevin
Whose girlfriend was four foot eleven.
She looked at his cock
When it was hard as a rock,
And it was ten inches long…minus seven.

Safe Sex

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

The man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh I see,” replied the boy. “I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.”

The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

“Cool!” says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”

Pee on a Ferrari

One day, a guy walks out from a shop to see someone PISSING on his Ferrari.

“Hey,” says the man. “Why are you pissing on my Ferrari?”

“Because I feel like it.”

“Tell you what — I won’t report you to the police if you can keep up with my Ferrari.”

“Whatever.” So the guy gets in his car and drives off, going faster and faster, until he’s hit 100 miles per hour. Amazingly, the guy is still keeping up.

“I’m amazed,” says the driver. “How are you keeping up?”

“It’s easy,” says the running man, “when your dick is stuck in the door.”

Last Day on the Job

It was the mailman�s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup�s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what�s the dollar for?”

“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.”

He said, “Fuck him, give him a dollar.”

The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”

The Finger

There was this girl about 13 years old. She loved cookies. Her parents were going away on a trip.

“Don’t let anyone in while we’re gone!” the parents said.

“Okay!” the girl said.

When they left, she heard the doorbell. She answered it. “Who is it?” she asked. It was a man. “I can’t let you in!” she said.

“I’ll give you 10 cookies!” he said.

“Okay!” she said.

She let him in. He said, “Can you show me to your room?” and she said, “No!”. The man bribed, “I’ll give you 100 cookies!” “Okay!” she exclaimed.

When they were in the room, the man said, “Can you lay down on your bed?” and the girl said, “No!” The man bribed once more, “I’ll give you 1000 cookies!” and the girl answered, “Okay!”

Once on the bed, the man asked, “Can I put my finger into your bellybutton?” and the girl said, “No!” and the man said, “I’ll give you 10000 cookies!” and the girl said, “Yay! Okay!”

The girl said, “Uhh, that’s not my bellybutton.”
The guy answered, “And that’s not my finger.